It goes without saying, I've been a Spiritual Activist for five years. I remember first starting to write about love and the movement back when I was a young raver girl. I just graduated college and I was so inspired by the movement happening in the Rave Community. There, was this whole principal based on peace, love, unity and respect. That rocked me to the core. I grew up as a depressed girl. Once I stepped foot on the dancefloor, I knew my world would never be the same. It was the first time in my life I felt part of something bigger than myself. I was able to connect with people who wanted to celebrate life and everything it has to offer. It was the first time I found myself happy.
As the summer of 2011 went on, the media began portraying this image based off a few bad apples in the community. There was a block party happening that was far greater than anticipated. This caused the streets to be closed and the party had to end. Riots broke out and damage was done. That was the tone of the whole summer. It left the community upset and pissed off. I was in another country on a family vacation and I was so upset that I wasn't able to be there. That was the first day I began my blog peace.love.EDM. I wanted to show what the movement was really about. I knew that it was helping me overcome my depression and I was not alone. From that point on, I was dedicated to my work.
As time passed, I was invited to interview DJs from around the world, invited to exclusive parties, and had the recognition as a thought leader in the community. Here comes 2012.... election season. Something shifted in me that year that allowed me to really connect with my empathic gift. I felt the pain of Gaia. I felt the pain of humanity. I felt my own pain come up to the surface. I remember I wanted to make a stance with my new found power I had inside all along. I was going through the most difficult time of my life at that point as I was on the brink of hitting a deep rock bottom. I wanted to make a stance for what was right and do it all in the name of love. There was only one major issue....
I wasn't grounded in myself.
That left me with immense paranoia and fear. Because I couldn't find the stillness within myself, there was no way I was going to be able to anchor in what I truly desired. Spiritual Leaders love to say, "Raise the vibration. Raise the vibration. Raise the vibration." Yes, it is important to elevate the vibration, but it is counter-productive if you have no sense of stability or grounding. At the time, I was far away from my yoga practice. I was consuming MDMA almost on a bi-weekly basis to try and feel something. I was looking for something outside of me to bring me joy, all while depleting all of my serotonin just to get the high I desperately wanted. I stand true to the fact that partaking these psychedelics and medicines helped save my life, but I also stand true that when I was taking them on a frequent basis, I was abusing them because I had no filter as to when was it enough.
This was the time where millennials were just getting out of college and there were no jobs available for us. We were tens of thousands of dollars in debt and had no idea what we were going to do. We were witnessing what was going on in the world, and we were upset. I know personally, I did my best to numb myself based on what I was seeing going on in the world. Truth of the matter is.... I was numbing myself based on what it was I needed to heal in my life. I was hoping that it would just all go away if I just repressed it. I was hoping that someone would come in and it would just disappear. I was praying that it was something outside of me that would be my saving grace. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. I learned the hard way that all of that was a big fat "Nope, try again." Relationships were damaged, pain was inevitable and prominent, depression came back, and this time I was even more lost than before.
While I own my story, even thinking about it brings me so much sadness. I think back on what I would say to my 23-year-old self who was going through the fire during that time. What I would tell her is this, it gets better over time. This is the opportunity for you to love yourself harder than ever before. This is your chance to really get to know you. This is the first step towards radical forgiveness. You are experiencing this to heal. Be grateful that this is coming up because it is ready to be released. You are the captain of your ship and you can choose to turn the sails in any direction you choose. You are going to come out of this stronger than ever before. You are experiencing this so that you can help others along the way. You are becoming a motivational speaker. You are an incredible yoga teacher who has helped so many incredible souls wake up to their truth. You are a powerful force of love.